Seven things to consider before you go falling in love

You are I are both wired for connection, yet romantic love remains the altar where we lay our strongest opinions and deepest fears. Modern dating and being in a committed relationship can either inspire deep feelings of peace and excitement, or exhaustion and hopelessness.

Before dating, my daily habits included reading self-help books, talking to my friends who were in relationships, and avoiding eye contact with any man because the mere idea of being in love sounded simultaneously embarrassing, exciting, and terrifying. Thinking about dating was a lot more comfortable than actually putting myself out there; the former allowed me to stay in my head while the other forced me to actually hold a conversation with a man (painful).

When dating shifts away from being theoretical, it's humbling and prunes you in ways self-help books cannot prepare you for. Nonetheless, half of the work is the mental labor we do before and during a relationship. It is this labor that allows us to remain present, consistent, and whole.

So, here are seven things to consider before you go falling in love:

#1 Everyone wants a perfect partner, but few make room for the messiness of growth.

Modern dating has turned the search for connection into a shopping experience. We grade potential partners on an endless list of criteria, from prestige and income to height, fashion sense, and niche interests. If we aren’t overwhelmed by immediate chemistry, we quickly assume they aren’t good for us.

While we should never ignore clear red flags and incompatibilities, it is important to be wary of our own double standards. All advice is given through the filter of the advice giver’s experiences, and when we internalize everything we hear from internet strangers instead of truly evaluating our own needs and wants, social media can condition us to become fearful of intimacy and to judge others with a measuring stick we do not want to be held to. Love isn’t a prize you earn or a finished product you find; it is a commitment maintained through effort. It is presence over time. It is the quiet choice to encourage growth without demanding immediate transformation.

If you are looking for a finished masterpiece, ask yourself: do you have the patience to sit with the artist while the paint is still wet?

#2 Love should always be done in community.

The most dangerous thing you can do after falling in love is to amputate your other connections to make room for one person. When you prioritize a romantic partner to the exclusion of everyone else, you aren’t "prioritizing" but entering into a state of codependency that narrows your world.

As my favorite author bell hooks warns, when we believe romantic relationships take precedence over platonic ones, we inevitably lower our standards. You might never tolerate a friend who lies to your face, yet you might find yourself staying with a partner who cheats or hides significant parts of their life—all in the name of maintaining the relationship. This happens because, without a community, that one person becomes your entire ecosystem. To lose them feels like losing everything, so you tolerate the intolerable—even if it requires self-abandonment.

Dating or being married within a community ensures that you are not navigating in the dark. Love creates blind spots, and you need friends and family who can see the things you are too close to perceive. If you feel the instinctive need to hide the details of your relationship from the people who know you best, you must be honest with yourself about why.

Are you protecting your partner’s reputation, or are you protecting your own delusion of who they are?

#3 The person you love will hurt you, and you’ll hurt them, too.

There’s nothing you can do to prevent this inevitability. To love is to be vulnerable and open. Frankly, if you haven’t hurt the person you love, it’s probably because you’re too afraid to make mistakes or be honest with how you truly feel. When you focus on being "good enough" to avoid judgment or tension, you’re sacrificing connection for building a fortress. You are choosing the safety of “peace” over the risk of being known. You cannot experience true emotional connection if you are too busy managing the perception of it.

A stranger's rude comment can sting, but a lover’s carelessness can haunt you for weeks. It is only because you love someone that you’re capable of getting hurt by them; otherwise, you would just be indifferent.

Now, I’ve observed that the ones who make it through the hurt have two qualities. First, they’re quick to take accountability and commit to noticeable change. Second, and far more difficult: they’re quick to forgive.

If vulnerability is the price of admission for intimacy, are you willing to pay it?

#4 Everyone wants an emotionally in-touch partner, until they actually find one.

Most of us associate vulnerability, tears, and expressing needs as “feminine” qualities. So, when men cry or express their truest emotions, a part of us feels the “ick,” as if honesty has led to their emasculation. On the other hand, women are often dismissed as "oversensitive" and “needy” when they express themselves consistently. These old-fashioned labels make empathy and partnership virtually impossible to achieve.

Here’s the bottom line: we cannot expect our partners to be emotionally attuned but also punish them for it. Instead, we must recognize that when someone chooses to give voice to their thoughts, the best gift we can offer to them in those moments is our presence. Presence isn't offering a solution. It is the choice to climb into the emotional muck and sit there, getting your own hands and feet muddy so the other person feels less alone.

When the person you love finally drops their mask, will you look away, or will you stay in the mud with them?

#5 Healthy relationships are supposed to challenge you.

You cannot enter a healthy relationship and expect to remain the person you were when you were single. Autonomy is crucial, but so is the understanding that you have invited another human being into your life. A relationship is a mirror that reflects your strengths, but it also forces you to confront your insecurities, your character flaws, and the gaps in your wisdom.

A good partner will lovingly call you out when you are being inauthentic to your own values. They will broaden your perspective, encourage you to grow, and challenge your cognitive patterns. This friction is not a sign of an oppressive partner but of the process of pruning.

All that being said, the most important prerequisite is emotional safety, which is the knowledge that you are free to grow, fail, and try again without the fear that love is a performance.

If you are not ready to be changed by another person, you are not ready to be loved by them.

#6 It’s normal to have doubts about a relationship and even entertain the idea of breaking up.

It’s taboo to admit, but having anxious doubts is not an indicator that you are in a bad or doomed relationship. It is extremely normal to have doubts, simply because we are human. We fear being hurt, we’re worried about wasting time, and we're uncomfortable with the lack of control that intimacy requires.

When doubts arise, treat them as data. Be curious. Is this your intuition warning you of a truth, or is it your anxiety trying to protect you from the risk of being happy? Process these thoughts—sometimes internally, sometimes out loud—but do not let the presence of a question mark convince you that the answer is "no." Doubt is the shadow cast by the importance of the choice you are making. Trust that when it is time to make a decision, you will know it is the right one by the peace that follows.

#7 Someone can only love you as far as their emotional capacity allows.

You cannot love someone into growing and maturing. You cannot love someone into improving their life. Your love cannot rescue someone from their depression, anxiety, or shame. Unless your partner puts in the mental and emotional labor to do deep identity work–out of their own volition–everything you are begging them to do will fall on deaf ears. While a minority of people proactively self-reflect and challenge themselves to grow, most people will only change when there is a major event or revelation that forces them into action.

We do not change until the discomfort of staying the same outweighs the discomfort of changing. That is one of the saddest, yet most freeing, truths.

Until you understand that, you will be wasting your energy, sanity, and peace trying to convince your partner to go to therapy, set goals, retrain their nervous system, or do deep internal work.

Your partner’s 100% might only be your 50%, and get this: it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Gaps in emotional capacity say less about someone’s character and more about someone’s skills–which can be developed when and only when we are willing to do the work.

When you recognize this gap, your task is to determine if you can be patient with where they are, or if you would be more fulfilled on your own in the absence of any evidence that your partner wants to change. You are a partner, not a therapist. Are you loving a human being, or are you loving a project you hope they will become?

Final Thoughts

Everything you've read or heard about love, including this essay, is theoretical and foolish until love becomes tangible–until there is another messy human being in your life with their own traumas, scent, and history. You can study the theory of love for a lifetime, but one single conflict can make you feel as though you know nothing at all.

It’s in those vulnerable moments when you receive the opportunity to heal and to feel love in its rawest form. Loving isn’t just caring for someone, but also giving them the opportunity to care for you. Loving isn’t just going on cute dates or laughing over an inside joke. Loving is also in the late nights when you’re crying into your partner’s chest, and it’s in the hard conversations you share about what’s working and hurting.

Loving can be one of the most painful and difficult pursuits, yet one of the most deserving and worthwhile.

If love is a mirror that shows us who we truly are, are you prepared for the person you are about to see?